The Dreaded Fear of Attachment

The dreaded Fear of Attachment

 by; June Val

Exploring deeper into the roots of my fears brought me to a very unpleasant truth. A truth I did not want to recognize and denied myself on many occasions; the fear of attachment. This fear associates itself with the pain of loss. It is the one thing we do not want to go through due to not wanting to end up alone in the world. When we lose that person we love, we tend to end up alone in the dark, with our emotions, and our minds chatter. The minds chatter uses the emotions as an excuse to deny oneself love, or any other emotions. Ultimately someone who goes through this without healing, ends up in total isolation, and unable to move forward as the emotions become suppressed.

This is one of the core roots of all my fears, a fear implanted in me since I was young. A time my father broke the news to me that my grandfather had died. This was my first experience with death, and I remember staring at my father as he told me that my grandfather loved me. He repeated that quite a few times before I broke down in tears.

Im not going to deny, that after losing people, friends, and family towards death, that the fear did haunt me to the point where I actually sought out power to counter it. However, the strange thing is, I did not exactly always fear death towards myself, although there was a time when I was dwelling in atheist beliefs that the idea and possibility of oblivion did scare me. However, this was before I experienced the vast awareness of source. This was a moment when I imagined myself dying, and just went deeper and deeper into “nothingness”. What I found there however, was another fear that scared me more than the thought of oblivion; Immortality. I was all alone in the vastness of space, drifting endlessly, only me and my conscious and no one else around me. I was all alone, and in this moment, I quickly pulled myself out.

For a long time, I attempted to ignore this, and put it in the back of my mind. In the past 3 years I had finally come to the process of accepting the realities of the “afterlife”. But because I wasn’t in that vastness long enough, I still had questions of my own. Nevertheless, because there were questions, there was also the fear of the results of those questions. After all, no one likes hearing the truth, because we all know that truth is not always pleasant in the ego mind.

Nevertheless, this fear spawned other fears, which lead to self-sabotages during the transition course of my life. And it’s about time I bring it to the light. Exploring the aftermath, I found that I had become attached to people. However, there were times that attachment brought me pain, when I expressed kindness, I would be taken advantage of. In the long run, I found I would end up abandoned by many, and this gave rise to the fear of abandonment and getting too close to people. This fear, would have me display the “needy” attitude for awhile until I experienced the pain of loss. This pain is unbearable, when you feel the emptiness as if someone yanked away your heart away from your body. The feeling of falling deep into an abysmal despair.

To avoid this, I began to isolate myself, and close my heart. For a long time my heart was closed off from people, but this would give rise and power to my shadow. Sometimes my shadow would take over momentarily as it did get me out of a few binds in my life. Sometimes I would say things, opposite to what my mind told me to do without warning. Sometimes I would write things down without realizing what I had written down. Among those was the symbol of “Ø” which lead me to seek out balance.  But the shadow would also get me in trouble in

society’s point of view. Which caused me to suppress it more, and the more I suppressed this aspect, the more rebellious it became.

I figured however, the more I Isolated myself from people that I would be safe from getting attached, and if I wasn’t attached, I would feel no pain of loss. This came at a price, the separation between myself and my emotions, and it felt like I had become divided. I wasn’t really living, I existed, but I was not experiencing life. In a way, I also ended up fearing life itself, and this brought forth even more complications that magnified my minds chatter.

 However, this wasn’t the only reasons that my mind made complicated. There was also my hidden ability of being an empath. I say, “hidden” because I was unaware of this for nearly my entire life. I couldn’t stand some of people’s energies and this also lead me to a very dualistic life.

On one hand, I would become attached to people who were close, on the other I had the fear of attachment. Then to complicate matters, at the same time I was unable to fully stand the wrath of energetic vampires. As an empath, I would reflect people’s attitudes back at them including those of vampires. In a way, I served as a mirror to many, reflecting back their ugly side as I mistook their own emotions as my own. (If you are familiar with pokemon, I was like “ditto”.)

Of course, narcissists find it hard to believe that being an empath is actually an ability, so they tend to deny such things because they themselves closed their own hearts to follow the way of the narcissist. However, the ability is very much real, and if you are unaware of it, it can be a double-edged sword.

Imagining the future....

Yet despite all this, the fear of attachment was overwhelming due to thoughts about the future. One such thought was the idea of marrying someone. I wanted a relationship, to experience love, but I also did not want to face the idea, of growing old with that person and losing them in the end. In a sense, the thought was selfish, as I viewed the possibility of old version of me sitting near the bed of the one I would love, holding her fragile hands in her final moments.

 We both had lived a long life, but full of experiences and memories. The thought of those experiences and memories never occurring again felt unfair and did not sit well with me. Knowing I would never experience them again, I broke down in tears. I did not want to let go, I would ask God to take me aswell so that I could join her in the afterlife. Instead, I would find myself, staring at her grave; her name was blurred out, because it was unknown to me. But I would see myself flooded with memories of the past, the good and the bad. It didn't matter what arguement we would probably have, I would long for those hectic days aswell as the pleasant memories. 

What I know now that I did not know back then, was the following, that I was thinking too much about the future, before I knew it, many years went by so fast, and I was now lamenting my past choices and isolation, especially after finding love.

Despite, my attempts at avoiding relationships, only one broke through that seemingly impenetrable barrier that caused me to open my heart fully again. Perhaps when this happened, it caught me so unaware, that I felt vulnerable to the world. Thus, the conflict began within me as I began to face a tidal wave of my-self created fears. I guess you can say I have been experiencing an aspect of my-self-inflicted karma. My crime, my lack of self-love, my isolation, my not living life by focusing on the now.

It is funny how my mind works as I type this down allowing my emotions to flow. My thoughts and body seems in sync as I type it down on my keyboard. Perhaps writing helps us focus on what is occurring in the now. This allows one to be aware of the thoughts as they become documented, and looked at months later, which would probably give more insights to the grand puzzle called life. The odd thing I just realized, that as my thoughts combine with my body, while flowing emotionally, that right now, I am in mind body & spirit.

Perhaps writing in journals helps grant us a magical experience as we write down our book of life, with the realization that the future does not matter, what matters is how we choose to live in the now

Disclaimer: The Author of this post, does not take credit for all the images. The use of the images is mainly for educational purposes and to help make a point, and is classified under Fair-use.