The Consequences of Suppressing the Inner Self- Story for Lightworkers

The Consequences of Suppressing the Inner Self- Story for Lightworkers

by:June Val (aka Angel Risen)

Before I begin telling this true story, I would like to remind you, that I am not claiming to be a victim, nor am I victimizing another. What I write here is based on what I have observed and allowed myself to learn from this experience. Because of respect I will not name the person, however if said person does claim privacy issues. Need I remind you that I am protected by the first amendment of the United States of America, which enables me to speak freely and tell a story.

My intention on telling this story and I will make it clear here, is to help others through my own personal experience and what I had witnessed. Because it was through my experience that I witnessed this, I am within my rights to tell this story. Therefore, any attempts to fear monger me into taking this down is futile as I have gone ahead and taken protective measures to not name the person who was involved. That alone makes this legal even though those involved will know the obvious.

The ego Clutter (or garbage, programmings,
makes it difficult for the observer to be connected
with the universe and with source. This clutter is known
as our shadow. When this clutter is healed, we become
lighter and more free.

There is a reason why I have told light workers time and time again, why it is important to do shadow work. If some of you are still confused on what shadow work is. It is when you face all your suppressed emotions and feelings, which came to rise from a traumatic past. It is our hidden self, the part of us that we become ashamed of and hide due to fear of what others may think of us. While it is our responsibility to deal with the shadow, most of us were programmed since early childhood to suppress these emotions.

How parent tries to program
their child. 

The crusade

On average, we forget who we are by the age of seven, because our parents tend to program us the way they see fit. However, our school system and society in general plays a major role in the shadows development. It is because of these programming’s that enables us to hide who we really are.  Religion does this to some extent too, the crusades for example, when they encountered the indigenous people and forced to turn them into the ways of Christianity. Little did they know, that those who they thought were “savages” were more connected to the oneness of the earth than they were.

Propaganda to demonize indians, when the reality was that
they were being tossed aside and having their lands
taken from them to make room for society.

When television came to the picture, Indians all of a sudden became the villains in the movies that portrayed the conflict of cowboys vs Indians, and thus demonized the indigenous people while the cowboys all of a sudden became the good guys. A sad attempt to justify the murders of millions of Indians and this war, unbelievably, continues on today within the amazons, as corporations attempt to steal the lands away from them to cut down one of the richest resources on the planet, the Amazonian Rainforest.

This is merely an example of the destruction caused by mans attempt to control the planet through their views of society. It is why there is drastic climate change, and if this doesn't change soon. Well, all you have to do is listen to your own hearts to know what is coming, since the feeling is ever present. Nevertheless, sadly, society itself has found a way to turn off our empathy towards the earth.

This planet is currently being ruled through apathy, and the ideals of every man for himself. It is very rare when people come together to help one person. Love has been mistaken with lust, and the real meaning of love brings fear in the minds of man.

There are those that do stand up against tyranny; however, blaming everything on society, corporations, or governments is an erroneous way of thinking. If there is anyone to blame, one must only take a look in a mirror.

Now I am not saying to feel guilty or be ashamed. Im not saying to victimize yourself either, because it is not about victims or becoming a victim. It is about taking responsibility for ourselves and look at our own actions and what role we play in this conflict. Are you promoting peace? Or are you taking part of the conflict yourself?

Do you see them as lower life forms? Or can
you see and feel the presence of Source?

To fully know peace, is to become peace itself. Perhaps this is my way of thinking, but being an example is the way to teach others to become their own examples. That said, you want to create leaders, not followers. To create followers is to create a cult or organizations when everyone is equal in the universe. All beings, and I include the animal kingdom here are conscious beings.  They all possess the same light as humans do, so to claim one lifeform above the rest is also erroneous thinking.

Everything in this universe  is an extension of source. No matter how big or small, it doesn't matter because size doesn't mean something is inferior. All you have to do is take a closer look at atoms for example. Did its size hide the tremendous energy stored within when the first atom bomb was created?

Now ask yourselves, why does the atom bomb explode?  It was divided and conquered.

What happens when the atom splits? Splitting an atom is known as nuclear fission. When this occurs the nucleus of the atom is split and two smaller atoms are formed. During this process lots of energy is released in the form of heat.

So what happens when your mind which is made through the very same atoms become split? It causes an

everlasting chain reaction. Those who are in power are very aware of this. It is why conflicts still exists today.

We are divided and conquered and each human being can be said to be their very own examples of this atom. The power we possess is far greater since we ourselves have the very same particles that caused creation to take place. If one tiny atom can cause so much damage, just imagine if every single atom in our body becomes split. It is unimaginable, but my guess that the blast would be equivalent to that of the theory called “the big bang”.

While I slightly went off topic, I needed to explain why it is important to take responsibility for our own actions. Why it is important to do inner work. Inner work allows us to heal the past, and take us out of the duality aspect. Transcendence but at the same time it is not exactly evolution. It is a return to what we once were when we were kids. A return to innocence.

The concept of love and light is beautiful, but if there are still things that causes us to react within this world. Then that means that we still have something within us that still needs healing. Self-denial can be a very dangerous thought process since we are technically lying to ourselves. Those of you who avoid negativity have no idea that what you are actually doing is rejecting the mirror of yourselves.

I understand why this happens, it is mostly due to our very own fear of what we ourselves are capable of. We do not want to become devils. We want to become saints. We don’t want to be the villain in our story; we want to be the hero right? But there in lies the problem. 

Everyone wants to be the hero in their own way, even the villains that we see time and time again, sees himself or herself as the hero or the savior. Some see destruction of humanity as the way to get back to nature. Others see the destruction of the universe as a way to back to peace.

Nevertheless, this goes to show, again the concept of every man for himself. Therefore, they suppress the inner conflicts and put them away in a top shelf to gather dust, as they try to take on an impossible role on changing the outer world when it is the inner world that needs that attention the most.

The story

As some of you may know, the past year I have been asking for help, to meet with the love of my life. I had asked for donations and very few were able to help. During this time, I had to deal with my own inner conflicts, especially the one known as pride.  Pride had become my lesson during this time. And it became extremely hard to ask for help, especially when dealing with negative comments. Negative comments would trigger this part of myself, which was why I had trouble asking for help.

The moment I clicked on “post” on facebook and other websites, the feeling of being ashamed, and of doing something “wrong” overwhelmed me. Not to mention, my own thoughts would betray me as it kept telling me how useless I was by not doing everything myself.

There is a reason why this was, and it had to do with seven years of isolation and detachment from humanity. I will not hide the fact that detachment and my anti-social attitude became a habit. Back then, I thought that I found strength in detachment, and I felt that by escaping anything that would give me pain would give me a safe haven. But little did I know, that what I was actually doing was suppressing my own shadow. This became apparent when I had some schizophrenic moments.

It wasn’t until I took on the spiritual road and combined it with psychology that I became aware of the real source of my conflict.  All this time I had spent fighting and rejecting the outer world, while rejecting my own inner self. What I became during this time was a hallowed person with no love, for myself nor for others. I was an agnostic heading towards atheist back then as I had lost all hope and abandoned all beliefs. I became nothing, a nonexistent being. I simply did not care, and treated others poorly.

But see, the funny thing about source, is that he, she or it will always let you know through experience that it is ever present. Those schizophrenic moments were triggered by events sent through the universe as a way of showing me that I was not on my true path.

However, society has demonized even our emotions. Through psychology, schizophrenia is a mental disorder and pills were created to attempt to control it. “Something is wrong with you” they would tell you. But these very same pills, would suppress our emotions even more giving you an illusion that everything was okay, you can’t hear those thoughts anymore. Your mind is silent now. I remember the feeling while under the effects of those pills. I had a huge pressure building up in my head, and it felt like my brain would explode.

On top of that, I had the feeling of being imprisoned. This was an unforgettable experience, because it gave me the feeling of my walls closing in on me. It was horrific and all it did was feed my shadow more and more.

I remember when I was in my teens, I used to watch these T.V shows or movies portraying psychologists as these people who would have you lay down on a sofa as they got you to tell them what you were feeling. They would break down what you told them into pieces of analysis to find the underlying cause of the core problem.

I grew up thinking this was what psychologists did for a living, so I actually came to respect the work they did. However, the real truth that I did not know was, that this was all propaganda, a way to promote psychology to people and get them under an addictive pill to sell their drugs.

It is funny how governments are no different than the drug dealers around the corner that they so demonized in the drug war. I will not deny that not all psychologists are this way and there are those who do help people with inner work.  But my personal experience did not take me to one of those who had the intention of actually helping. I was duped into this belief and when the time came to voluntarily visit one of them. I told them my problem, which was heartbreak at the time, and the next thing I know, I was being prescribed anti depressives.

Like a good obedient man of society, I followed the norm and took the pills, which caused more damage than I thought. I was only a teenager back then, and with that came an everlasting chain of reactions that ultimately made me become my very own worst enemy.

This however, does not justify my actions afterwards. It was my responsibility and through my own freewill I had taken these pills.  It doesn't matter that I had gained false information and believed something erroneous. It was my own choice, and I had the choice on whether or not to take those pills.  Thankfully I stopped taking them eventually and life got a little better for me afterwards. However, the damage was done, and I had already formed a destructive habit that would last till this day.

The present

Now that I explained some of my past and why it was difficult for me to ask for help. I still have some resistance to ask for help because of fear of being triggered. It is a fear that I need to face and continue on facing until it becomes not existent. So do not be surprised if you see me posting in the future when I ask for donations again.  I do this, not only for inner work, but also because I truly wish to be united with my love.

To me personally money is a tool, and while I had resistance towards it and had my own judgment due to how people use money to hurt others. To me it is only a physical bridge that closes the gap between me and the love of my life.  When compared to true love, money loses its value. But this is my own personal point of view. If I wanted to become rich, I would have done so long ago, and chances are, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today, and for that I am thankful because to be truly rich, all you have to do is love. And with love, (true love) comes acceptance, compassion, and non-judgment.

The Recent Experience

Back when I was asking for help. I met a woman who I will not name. She seemed kind and very generous. She donated a bit here and there and gave me an offer, which was hard to refuse. I was looking for a Job and I was offered to go to Massachusetts.

I did not want to continue asking for donations, so I thought this was the best way to finally take hold on my life by accepting her offer. I was to do normal house chore work during the early morning and some in the afternoon while I searched for a fulltime job in between.

However, when I finally got there, the very first night, I witnessed the conflict between the woman that had brought me there in the first place and her elderly mother. Her mother cracked a joke, which initially I found harmless. This was largely due to the extension of shadow work I had done for myself. I healed enough of my past not to react to small things such as jokes. I see past the intention of people and look beyond the initial words. But in the case of the woman who brought me there, she did not take it too well. She reacted to her mother’s words and after saying that her mother hurt her feelings, she stormed out of the house.

I tried to stop her and get her to calm down while she was crying. But she told me that her mother was so negative that she couldn’t be there. I honestly did not see anything negative from the comment her mother said, and to be honest I gave a harmless laugh when the joke was cracked but became silent after seeing the woman’s reaction.

The woman was also a lightworker, and at her job, she portrayed all these certificates on her wall. Reiki master, spiritual healer and so on. There were many certificates and I thought to myself: how in the world can someone who is spiritual still react to small words?

A certificate does not prove that you are spiritual when you still have inner conflicts yourself, and as I explained in a previous article here, you cannot really help with real healing unless you deal with yourself first. In my case, the only way I help is little by little by explaining my own process of spiritual healing. I still have a lot of inner work to do myself and a lot of lessons to learn, but the lessons I have learned I am able to share and it is through those learned lessons that I can help people, but I cannot help in the ones I have not learned yet. So in way think of my blogger as a journal of a sort, to keep track of the lessons learned and the knowledge –wisdom gained.

After a week there, myself doing things at random hours and when I was being called upon. I barely had time to look for a job, and I used the time I spoke with my love as a way to do this search online. There were no busses, and I had to depend on someone else to take me to some areas to apply. The other problem I found for myself, was that the conflict between mother and daughter had me feeling like I was a rope in a tug o war.  The daughter (the woman that brought me there in the first place) would tell me to do one thing, while her mother would tell me to do another.

I did not know who to listen to, and overtime, I was becoming tired of being in the middle of this conflict. I did not wish to be in the middle, but was forced into it. This was partially my fault because I agreed to be in a situation where I had no control. None, the less I did everything that was asked of me. They have no reason to complain.

It was very cold and being used to tropical weather did not make it any easier, but I was determined. However, the woman I was living with wanted me around all the time.

Though this became a bit tedious, I had many talks with the elderly woman. She seemed knowdgeful and knew the correct way to healing. In this, we had many agreements on, but I also noticed how she spoke about her daughter in an underlying way. Many stories however were told and I got a deeper understanding on what was really going on behind the curtains.

It turns out, that the woman who brought me there had a lot of trauma she did not want to face. Her own fears would have her attempt to control many people’s lives and if she did not have it her way, she would treat and judge it as negative. Her mother served as a reflection, since the word “Big boss”( which was the initial comment made the very first night that caused the woman to react.) would surface repeatedly.

The elderly woman had met the Dalai Lama and she knew what she was talking about, but even with her knowledge, she would not apply it to herself, and this was one of the causes of this tug o war and this conflict between the two. The mother knew that the conflict was affecting everyone as she made it clear she was aware of it. Her daughter however, was in denial and did not wish to talk about it when I confronted her one night over the phone.

After awhile of this, I knew that If I did not say something, I would have gotten myself deeper in a mess that I had no control over. I decided that I would not allow this conflict to affect me and the fact that I was not doing what I needed to do for myself, due to the random hours, I needed some stability and some sense of order. So I called the woman, and asked to talk it over through a meeting.  I wanted a schedule, some sense of order so that I could do what needed to be done and get myself a job.

During this meeting, the elderly woman openly admitted that she wanted me around all the time, which went against the original agreement. I was happy with the schedule that came after the meeting. It was fair and balanced. However, the elderly woman felt betrayed because I went over her head and decided to do what her daughter told me. This power conflict took its toll because the elderly woman did not want her daughter to control some aspects of her life, and as a reaction, I was told that me staying there would not work out.

I was not aware at the time that the elderly woman was tossing me away because of the power struggle. I was told simply that she wanted someone else there, which may have been true, but my own eavesdropping revealed another truth. Through a conversation she was having with another, I became aware that the reason I was being tossed aside was because she didn’t want her daughter to take control. 

Meanwhile her daughter did not realize that her attempts of control was one of the causes. They were both right and wrong at the same time. Unfortunately I was in the middle of all of this and did not know what to do anymore. Neither side would see the truth behind their own actions and used me as a scapegoat in the end. The next thing I know, I have a plane ticket back to Puerto Rico to a place where it is jobless compared to a place where I had a few interviews.

Which was fine, I felt sad and frustrated; however, I would not remain quiet when asked to tell the truth, I told the events as they happened. But the woman only wanted to hear what she wanted to hear. She was not interested in the truth despite the fact that I was asked to tell the truth. Which brings me to the point, that many people say they want to hear truth, but the reality is, not many can handle said truths and only expect to hear what they wish to hear.

“Everything is peaches and roses”

In other words, they expect you to lie, and hide yourself while they have their own way. Sounds similar don’t it?

This brings me to the point that on how society has programmed people. And how lightworkers who reject others because of negativity are only rejecting themselves. A certificate doesn’t prove you are an enlightened being. Hell, I don’t claim to be enlighten, and to say otherwise would have me mislead the readers. I am honest with myself and while I may have knowledge, I still lack the wisdom behind many lessons.

However, one wisdom gained was this: Wisdom is learning not to interfere in other people’s games. (I have Tobias Lars to thank for those words.)

But the fact of the matter was, that this woman did not wish to face her inner conflicts and when I pointed them out, she would react, by claiming I was negative. Or “too negative for her” without realizing that her shadow was possessing her through anger and rejection. She became very angry, and very defensive to the point where she rejected me.

No doubt, however, this did trigger some of my own shadow that needed healing, so I saw this as a chance to see aspects of myself that needed this attention. This does not justify some of the words I told the woman through her reaction. But I won’t go back on the words spoken either. For one reason. It happened because it was meant to, and there is no point in feeling regret when everything has a purpose. Forgive and let live, let go.

We may not agree on everything, but we all have one thing in common, our hearts and our true essence is that of source. And it is source that knows and sees all. To second guess our hearts is to second guess source, God, the Tao, or whatever you want to refer to the all that is. It doesn't matter what you wish to call him, her or it. The same light that warms within us is the same one that we refer to the all that is. That which looks behind my eyes is the same that looks behind yours, but to know truth, all you have to do, Is sit quiet down, and listen to what you feel deep inside. And know that all is as it should be.

“To be one with the universe, you have to let go of control and to trust it.” –Alan Watts

The healing of the heart.

Trust the process, trust, compassion and acceptance of all that is, no matter if the person seems good or bad, all is source, all is an extension of the infinite love.